The Convicts

Typically my morning and afternoon train rides are delightfully uneventful. I bring my book, I read, I sometimes fall asleep. Lately I have had to concentrate a little harder on not puking, but other then that it is simply a faster, greener, less stressful way for me to get to work. And I love it.

Once when Harper's babysitter was out of town my mom watched Harper for us and because of Tom's weird schedule I had to drive her up to Renton and then take the bus into Seattle from Renton. I thought nothing of it, having ridden plenty forms of public transportation in this city and others, but it was HORRID. It smelled like cigarettes mixed with puke mixed with BO mixed with marijuana - a deadly combination for anyone, let alone a morning sickness -prone pregnant woman. The giant woman sitting "next" to me was actually mostly ON me, and the couple across from me was openly discussing whether or not they should include me in their orgy that weekend. The bus goes up and down hills, bounces around, stops every 22 seconds, and is pretty much a freak show on wheels. Oh, and no AC.

Later on I decided that the people on the bus were actually a lot more interesting then the people on the train, just the train itself is better. It's cool on a hot day, warm on a cold day, smooth, fast, stops only 4 times, is never bouncy, and there's always plenty of room (i.e., no one will sit on me). So today, imagine my great delight and surprise when three women convicts got on at the Kent station and discussed in detail their various cell mates, booking experiences, court cases, and favorite drugs. What a perfect day to forget my book! I was sitting right in front of them, so I couldn't see them and it was totally killing me. I changed seats halfway to Tukwila with the excuse of wanting to stretch my legs and got a good look at them all and even got to talk to them a few times.

So just in case any of you go to prison, here are a few helpful hints from the Sounder Convicts:

1) Try not to say the "f" word in court. They're not sure why, but the judges don't like it.
2) When they (inevitably) book you, make sure you start fights with anyone and everyone you possibly can. It will make your booking time longer (up to 13 hours), but it will be worth it that night when you can sleep soundly because everyone has by now heard of how crazy you are and will all keep clear.
3) Do NOT steal anyone's Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, especially if it's the last one. You WILL get cut.
4) Purdy is by far the best prison to go to.
5) If your cell mate is a "2lbs meth addict", make friends with her and protect her from the other inmates. Good things will happen to you on the outside.
6) If your cell mate is a 400lbs beast who hasn't washed her hair in five years and farts in her sleep, do not make friends with her. Nothing good will happen.